10 tips after 10 years of marriage
Here we are, we made it to 10 years and although I am not at all surprised am I a bit surprised at just how strong and intact we are as a couple and a family. But I say that with two disclaimers:
It took ALOT of hard work and tears to be where we are and
We still have a lot to learn.
It can be super hard to find real, practical down to earth faith based marriage advice and although I do not and will never claim to be an expert let me sure a few real life lessons I’ve learned so maybe you don’t have to or maybe you won’t feel so alone.
Marriage. Is. Hard.
I know, you’ve probably heard that before but let me reiterate that really simple truth. Marriage is hard on the best of days but throw in two sinful and selfish people struggling to raise a few kids while working and maintaining a home and deal with family and pressures from work and life who desperately love each other but also love to eat their nachos in peace so sometimes do not spend enough time together as they should and then get a little envy if one gets more free time then the other but then also feels guilty of the other is doing some sort of work and they are not and then everyone gets pinkeye. You know, that kind of hard. The kind of hard that no one talks about because they feel shame. Marriage is hard.
You have to commit to never even discussing divorce.
Things can dicey sometimes and that “d” word can get thrown around cause here’s the thing - we fight as passionatley as we love each other (and that is a lot). Divorce can never and should never be an option. Learning, growing, reevaluating, switching things up, confession, forgivness, a trill chances, grace. All those things should be pooping like a popcorn bag ready to burst in my microwave but divorce - take that off the table as soon as you have a table to take it off.
Marriage is sacrifice & service
I mean, I’m not sure this should have to be a lesson but it was and it is. I am not the most important person in the room. My husband is also not the most important person in the room. The sooner we realize that we have to sacrifice and service the better our marriages will be - plus marriages are suppose to represent Jesus’ relationship with the church and I’m hoping we all know what He did for His people (hint - He died)
Having kids will strain your marriage.
Kids were some of the easiest decisions but are the top three strains on our marriage because not only is marriage sacrificial but parenting is sacrificial as well. Understand this truth and then not putting so much pressure on our selves to have all the balls perfectly placed at all times is the sweetest release and then best thing you can do for your relationship - grace, grace, grace.
Marriage will not make you happy.
Because marriage is not designed to make you happy. But it is designed to make you holy. Period. We can talk more about that another time.
You have to be humble when the other exposes your faults.
Having a spouse call you out on poor behaviour or character is hard. Calling a spouse out in love is hard. Humility on both ends in necessary because we are each others smoke alarms. We smell the smoke before the other feels the fire and we must help each other out. This is the hardest lesson for me and one I am still trying to get a handle on.
Date night standards are impossible to keep up.
I mean dates night are fine and dandy but they are hard and expensive and sometimes really not the meaningful. The purpose of the date night is to connect with one another on a regular basis so maybe we are going about the idea wrong? Maybe we need to connect with each other on a daily basis and on a spiritual level so date nights are needed for connection but maybe just for some fun. Don’t stress about keeping them up - they are not an indicator of a good marriage.
God’s design for marriage is good and it works.
Unpopular opinion but I believe in what the Bible says about marriage and the structure and how God designed it to function and I promise you, it’s not at all what you think. Let’s just say I believe Ephesians 5 is one of the most misunderstood and misinterpreted verses in the Bible and if we really understood the point and purpose and idea we may see the divorce rate in the church actual look different then the divorce rate of non christians….Go read it and then refer back to point number 3 & 5.
You have to learn what you got, what your not and who you are.
Quoting from our wedding song “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz - we had to learn what our gifts and skills and abilities are and how they complement each other and work together to form the best possible versions of ourselves, our marriage and our family. Competition, comparison, competitiveness and jealousy are some of the most dangerous things to a marriage. As one of my favourite ladies said; sometimes I played a supporting role to him and sometimes he played piano at my women’s meetings. We are equal in value and purpose and intelligence and worth but we have different roles and gifts - accepting that makes the WORLD of difference.
My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Although there are times when I want to hit him square in the nose, tell him I do not need anymore useless Star Wars facts and cringe every time he speaks cause I have no idea what kinda trouble he’s gonna get us into my husband is the best thing (other then Jesus) that has happened to me. Hands down. He has made me a better person. He has pushed me past my limits. He has dragged me along in directions he know The Spirit was leading and he has held my hand and my heart through it all.
All of those things may sound beautiful and magically and you may be thinking things like “sure, but you don’t know…..” Here’s the thing. Our marriage is pretty good but we have fought tooth and nail to make our marriage good. It did not come easy and natural. We fight, we slip, we get distant, we get back and we start again. And these next 10 years will probably look the same.
BUT
We press on. We keep pushing. We do better for ourselves and each other and our kids. Because it’s worth it.
Marriage is not easy, throw in that holy expectation, and they get even more difficult. But, friends, you are in a beautiful, God-ordained relationship, one that when done right can show the relationship between Christ and His church. Work on it. As my favourite song by Johnnyswim says, “I don’t need no plan B, I ain’t got no envy, I’ll get it right, get it right on the first try.”